Recently I’ve been asked the same question by a number of people, both readers and good friends. That is, “How do you know who you are?”. What they want to know is that in my role as wife and mother, how do I retain such a strong sense of self? Let me tell you, this hasn’t always been the case.
Just like anyone else, I have had times in my life when I’ve “fallen off the wagon” so to speak. Times when work took over everything, time when appearances were the last thing on my mind, and time when I thought, “Is this it? Is this as good as it gets?” But by and large, these moments have been blips on the radar of an otherwise colourful and memorable life.
One such time for me was after the birth of my first daughter. I had a body that no longer belonged just to me, in a shape I didn’t recognise and responsibilities that I hadn’t even contemplated before hand. A demanding schedule with very little sleep and only a small baby for company did nothing to help the situation. Like so many women before me, I would look through old photo albums barely recognising the woman I was just twelve short months before hand. But it didn’t make me sad, melancholy or wistful; it made me mad. And just like Dylan Thomas said, I could feel a “rage against the dying of the light”.
Of course, my life wasn’t literally over, but as many mothers know deep down there is a little grieving that goes on for the girls we used to be. And frankly, I wasn’t having any of it. I didn’t want to be surrounded by Wiggles music and the life of a homogenised happy baby commercial; I wanted something that was mine, that was ours and that was a unique reflection of the people we are.
Yes, that is all a little deep and raw but it applies to so many situations. Those times a job is lost, when children leave home, when we go through a bad break up; any life situation that we have allowed ourselves to become overly content in and sneakily, it has come to define us. That’s when it is time to take measures into your own hands and rediscover what makes you you. It can be a long slow process, but it is ultimately a joyful one. So take heed my friends and I’ll give you the secrets that help me keep my groove each day.
ART -
Image via Patrick Ng on Flickr
In order to think about who I am I also have to think about who I was. Fortunately I kept my school art folio with pieces dating right back to early primary school. Each piece contains a memory of a time, of friends, teachers, passions and stolen kisses behind the shed. This is super powerful stuff and a brilliant place to begin your journey.
Whether you draw, paint, doodle or whatever; now is the time to pick up your tools and start to create something for yourself. It never needs to be seen by another person, but the process of creating it, what inspires you and learning to look at the world with different eyes is something you need to retrain yourself to do. These are the skills that you will use each day when doing the most simple things like choosing an outfit, picking the tea set that makes your happy instead of the one that is just on sale, or finding beauty in the small free moments that each day brings.
MUSIC -
Image via Buttha on Flickr
I still have a little child’s suitcase full of my very first cassette tapes. The first cassingle I ever bought ( Poison’s ‘Unskinny Bop’!), Mixtapes with love messages from high school boyfriends and even recordings I made myself with a little microphone and a portable tape recorder. Some of it makes me cringe but I never fail to see the influences of this music on myself. The times I bought albums to impress a boy but really hated the band, and those that I never played for anyone, my heart set to music. The albums I would dance to like my life depended on it ( Jive Bunny & The Mixmasters anyone?), and the albums I have bought many times over that still appear in my collection. Music feeds your soul. Don’t let it starve.
Also, never say never. When asked to define my music tastes I used to say, “Oh everything but XX, I hate X.” Mind you, I had never really given X a good go and neither had I explored it properly. So I took off those blinkers and made a foray into previously forbidden territory only to discover a brand new passion that set my soul on fire. This is how I found New Music Me and she can make even the worst day shine!
FOOD -
Image via Sifu Renka on Flickr
I’m not the greatest cook. In fact I’m downright lazy. But when you have to do it and you have more than yourself to cater for, the things you love often go out the window. You find yourself living on a diet of spaghetti that pleases all and indulging in a block of chocolate afterwards as if that will make up for the neglect your palate has been suffering. Allow yourself to eat something that you really want. Something that may not be loved by all, may not be PC or even cheap. But do it, and do it just for you. If you want to eat a whole dozen natural oysters with caviar, then by golly you’d better do it! Even if you have to hide in a tub of bubbles, or eat the sitting alone on the front porch, it is just you and your food. Treating yourself like the King of the Castle every now and again with nary a thought for the other occupants whims is key to true decadence and a great way to get in touch with what you really love.
There is so much more I could say on this topic, but this is the place to start.
So I’m offering you my challenge, my life line if you will. Try these three simple things and tell me what a difference it makes to you. You can come back here and ask me questions or leave me comments to let me know how you get on.
Remember, life is for living – do it with all the passion and verve you can!
I was...
What a wonderful post! I am due to have my first baby at the end of September so I will be vigilant to keep a sense of myself (and of my husband) as who we are/were rather than just “daddy” and “mommy.”
wow! Thank-you- I am in this rut at them moment. Timely words. thankyou again
whoops!! Iahv had 2 children in 3 years and they are delightful but I do feel at time to have lost “me”
xoxo
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Candice DeVille, Melita Stewart. Melita Stewart said: RT @SuperKawaiiMama: How To Get Your Groove Back – My key's to 'finding yourself'. http://bit.ly/9BWruQ [...]
I love jive bunny! I used to always put it on at my parents parties and dance like crazy.
Loved this post. To be true to yourself is to enjoy yourself, whether that be listening to your favourite tune or sitting down with a good book and some cherry tea.
Thanks for your wise words, as always!
I had three babies in three and a half years, and now that my youngest just turned two last Friday I finally feel like the blinders of being in The Baby Zone are coming off. I’ve always loved the style of the 50’s and this year after him hearing me talk about yet another New Look styled dress, my husband said, “If you like it so much, then why don’t you start wearing those things?” It was like he flicked a light bulb on for me. I’ve been setting my hair and sewing clothes and finally feel like I’ve regained an identity outside of “mom”. It’s glorious.
Such a timely post for me! I had a hysterectomy 3 months ago and now although I am now physically fine I lost my spark somewhere along the way. Sincerely wishing I had not had the surgery but I think I am gonna try to delve into a few of your choices and see if I can find my sparkle again. Thank You SKM!!!!
Thank you for this blog, SKM! I have been battling to keep a hold of my groove for some time now, so this was a lovely read!
Wow, thank you so much for this post! Despite the smiling exterior, I’ve been having a pretty hard time lately and this post was the little ray of sunshine I really, really needed.
I was commenting to my boyfriend a few weeks ago that I felt like all the best parts of my personality had faded away to nothing, and that I didn’t feel beautiful, inside or out. You have reaffirmed that the wonderful things about a person can’t exist in a vacuum; we are what we repeatedly do. So, if I get out of bed now, do my hair, wear heels just because, dance around the house and get cracking on all the creative projects I have been putting off.. I guess that will be a baby step towards the person I used to be. Thank you so much Candice! xx
I feel a little better about my very daggy musical past knowing that someone else out there bought a cassingle of Unskinny Bop back in the day. *grin*
I am one of those lurker people that have been reading your blog for months but never commented, though I did enjoy every entry but today after reading this I decided I must.
Finding out who I am usually involves moving in another country (three times last year), climbing up some mountains or take a train to a random destination. Sometimes I reach no conclusion, other times I am thunderstruck by the things I find inside myself (strength and the joy of life/being alive being two of them). Other times I simply cannot just do any of the above and I stay locked inside the house with a cabin fever burning hot and throw my pencils aside because I just cannot draw or doodle anymore and I feel like I am going in too many different directions.
Then I open my laptop and see this entry of yours and it hits me like: well, B., OBVIOUSLY!! and I go back to my sketchbook and start again and realize I have not lost myself, I am still here.
So…thank you for today, I guess? =)
B.
Wow! what an inspirational post. It made me realise that certain things I had deemed unimportant are acctually the things that define me, and are actually quite interesting.
Cette petite salade m’a bien l’air délicieuse.
Lilou
I adore this post! As a mother of three (number four on the way) I am often asked this question as well. These three things you mention are KEY elements in holding on to your identity thru wifehood AND motherhood.
Incidentally, the first cassingle I bought was ‘O Father’ by madonna but I also owned Unskinny Bop…*chuckle* I completely forgot about Jive Bunny…sad what we resorted to as a culture, just to keep the classic things alive. Why didnt we just root up our dad’s old 45’s?
[...] Candace at Super Kawaii Mama lets you in on the secrets of how she gets her groove back [...]
Oh, I LIKE this post. Create, create, create. I’m trying, believe me.
I dyed my hair from dark blonde/light brown to a nice deep red, and I’ve felt a million dollars!
I appreciate the honesty of your post. It is important to be selfish. taking care of yourself helps you better care for others!