That poor old horse is being flogged to death again. Thanks to an article in this weekends news, a “light hearted” piece looking at competition at the school gate of ” Slummy Mummies vs. Yummy Mummies”; we are back to the same old argument being sparked in the comments. The so often spouted clap trap that if you give a damn what you look like then clearly you have nothing better to worry about in your life. I’m sorely tempted to just say, “grow a brain people!” and leave it at that, but clearly the topic deserves more attention or it wouldn’t keep cropping up.
So before you get all indignant and start writing me nasty comments (I say this not to my regular readers who already know what this is all about), let me give you a quick snap shot of my life.
Firstly, I work. I work both in the home and outside the home. I work more than fourty hours a week. I have two children (2 & 6), whom I dote on, play with, sing with, get dirty with. This blog focuses pretty much solely on fashion related issues as it is my interest; just as gardening, scrap booking or collecting toy trains might be yours. My family didn’t sign up for this blog and so I don’t expose them or other non fashion related things here. And most importantly, I’m not interested in competing with you. Which brings me back to the heart of the issue…
Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because someone is “dressed up” that they do it to make you feel worse about yourself. Yes, there are always those groups who are motivated by being the top of the pile in their social group and use fashion as a means of belittling others. (Which I believe was the ‘light hearted’ topic the article wished to cover) But it would be unwise to tar everyone you come across with the same brush, no matter how conditioned you may be. In the simplest sense this can be boiled down to one key problem – ascribing moral values to people based on what they look like. Just as certain ethnic minorities in your city are often targeted as being sinister based on their skin colour or choice of religious dress, the same principle of discrimination is at work here. For myself and many others, we dress up because it is fun and it makes us feel good. It doesn’t come at the expense of “a life” or a happy family. Dressing well and having happy kids /rescuing puppies/ or whatever other “better things to worry about”, are not mutually exclusive.
Back to the school gate competition issue. Yes it does exist, but you have to choose to buy into it or NOT. It is just another adult version of teen peer pressure and generally those that give in to it were the ones that behaved in the same manner in high school. You’d hope that we would have matured beyond that. When it comes to the big “What to Wear at the School Gate”, it is entirely up to you. Dress up, dress down – but figure out what makes you happier and WHY you are doing it. If it is to make other mothers feel inadequate – just don’t, and by the same token if you deliberately break out the old trackies as a non verbal form of “well f#$k you!”; then it is time to take a step back and consider the impact of that attitude on both yourself and others.
It’s only a war if you choose to be in it.
That’s enough pot stirring for a Sunday afternoon.
beautiful.
Well said SKM, so well said. I’m so tempted to print all your posts and save them for when I’m older and then to pass them onto my kids.
XXASAB
I came to this blog from the article and I thought the comments were appalling that people were leaving – if you’re dressed up at the school gate you should get a job or a life one said – I have 3 children under 7, the school gate may be the only time I see adults all day – if I choose to brush my hair and put proper pants on that don’t have an elastic waist then it’s for me, not to make others feel inadequate. By the way, love the blog, working through it already!
Really!?! Does this really happen?!
I’m not a mother, but I’m astounded that women could think one mother is trying to out-do the other mothers. Grow up indeed!
I have noticed that when I dress up fancy style, other women can be split into two groups – the “wow you look great, I wish I could be so bold!” group and the “omg what is she wearing, how daaaaare she” cohort. I try to ignore the latter, or kill them with kindness
Very well said SKM!!
xx
Wow. Every once in awhile some journo likes to put it about that all women are constantly covertly monitoring eachother and seething with jealousy and resentment, and it ticks me off. No doubt a few such poor creatures exist in any suburb/school but you’re absolutely right, we certainly do decide for ourselves how much credence to give to stranger’s (imagined?) opinions. And I think most folk don’t spend too much time worrying… I would guess that Carly Hennessy had to goad the women quoted in her article into commenting; taken on their own their statements are really pretty anodyne. It’s a bit weird that she sort of called you out by linking to you and it sucks that it’s made you feel the need to pre-emptively defend yourself. By the way, I kinda love that you don’t really do the ‘hey here’s my partner/family’ posts, which can sometimes make a reader feel like an unwilling voyeur. This is a really fun blog which I enjoy so much, despite (because of?) the fact I don’t dress anything even remotely like how you do. Anyone who would judge you negatively because you put together a beautiful, original, inspiring and welcoming window into your passion for fashion would have to be a bit silly.
This post has reminded me why I read your blog – because you make fashion FUN rather than a petty, immature form of competition. Good on you for rising above it.
Very well said! Every time I leave my house when I have made a real effort to look nice, some otherwomen glare at me or make snide comments and it is so unnecessary. We should dress and present ourselves in a way that makes us feel good, and (as you say) competing with other women is not part of my decision on how to present myself! I an very happily married and not interested in how any man (other than my husband) looks at me. I choose to look glamorous and feminine for ME, and finally at the age of 31 I am able to ignore the petty comments and evil looks that may attract from other women.
MissIcy is not yet old enough for the school gate, but I will have no problem dressing how I see fit when dropping her off (if it happens to be me rather than MrIcy).
I will be taking care with my appearance as I always do, and I won’t be catering to any preconceptions thatothers may have about me.
Just the way I usually behave.
This story was a nothing story in a vein attempt to turn women against each other in the hope to sell advertising. The sad thing is we do live in an era where individualism is often stomped on and those who are critical are often those who have the most self doubt. Just back over them with car I say. Whoops, sorry darl, thought you were a lamp post, easy mistake.
i love reading your posts, and certainly realise that there’s more to us all than our blog faces. Tale care!
One of the issues here is the demise of Journalism. Instead of interviewing experts, or interviewing mums at the scene, Journalists increasingly are just grabbing quotes from internet sources that are often out of context.
Increasingly, instead of making the effort and contacting informed or pertinent people for comment, journos are just grabbing comments from Twitter, facebook or blogs, often without permission(which seems to be the case here).
As for fashion at the school gate, people should be able to dress up or dress down in any context, it should be up to them. Fashion is an abstract construct, no actual harm will come to you if you dress up or down…..as you say Miss SKM, its only a war if you want it to be.
As for wearing black to pick up the kids, well of course, thats a rule
Wow, that article really riled me up, the way they made you out to be some sort of snobby b*tch especially made my blood boil. Darling you’re fabulous; after all would you have such a following if you were a fat ass with messy hair, wearing slacks with an elastic waist?! I HATE it how society seems to think less of women that are mothers and yet gorgeous and glamorous – as if they are doing something wrong by being this way. You and other women like you inspire me so much in this country where most women have let themselves go after their first child. You are the living proof that you can be a wife and a mother and still beautiful and fashionable. A lot of women seem to think that having children means throwing away all feminine traits and just their identity in general.
I remember going to school as a child and seeing the mothers who had let themselves go and become obese, sitting there in their trackydacks, their arses taking up a whole bench. I was always really embarrassed for their kids! Then there would be mothers like my mother, and yourself who would stand there with their head held high, their slim bodies looking amazing in their cute fashionable clothes and hair done up sleek and shiny.
So to all of the fat asses who so much as DARE berate you, they are only doing so out of jealousy. I mean, you’re beautiful, successful and a great mother and they are just slobs who just also happen to have children too. They are like a different species to you.
I’ve always been afraid that when I get married and have kids I’ll let myself go like so many women seem to, but with you as an inspiration I don’t think I would let that happen. Your blog is living proof that you can be a wife and a mother and still find time to keep yourself beautiful and dress well – it just takes effort, something obviously the women who are against you can’t be bothered with. And so shame on them!
Harlow, I agree with most of your thoughts, but I would like to point out that “fatties” are not the issue here; from your comment, “fat ass with messy hair, wearing slacks with an elastic waist”. Remove the words “fat ass” and then we’re talking about the real issue.
I totally agree, I dont think weight is the issue.
I know mothers who are bigger and they keep themselves looking gorgeous.
I also know slimmer mum’s who couldnt give 2 hoots.
I think it goes both ways.
Wow to Harlow. Did a fat person sit on her as a child or something?
This “fat ass”, as you so pleasantly called me, adores SKM. One does not need to be thin to enjoy fashion, being elegant, and stylish. I just do it differently than thinner women. That’s it.
Weight has nothing to do with this situation. Even though SKM is much thinner than I, that doesn’t mean I can’t see her style, and wonder how it could apply to me. Her thin-ness and beauty doesn’t offend me…it INSPIRES me.
Sorry, this comes in a few days late, but I’m a very busy fat woman, working full time, caring for three lovely children, and attending college. You know, hoping I can join the species someday. *sigh*
Well said! A subject close to my heart.
got about two sentences in before i wanted to yell at the screen. If it wasn’t for the fabulous women out there like yourself we would all look the same.
This is an amazing world, esp melb, where you can be anyone you want.
I know that in my job so many ladies dress the way they want, most are mothers and I am glad that our daily ‘fashion show’ is more about expressing ourselves and having fun than anything else. Sure we are 10 women who hang out the front of our stores to do the usual gossip but its never an issue when it somes to clothing. I’m so proud of these women who know we are all different and amazing. Doesn’t matter if your dressed to the nines or in jeans and simple shirt. Women should support other women.
SKM you rock, don’t stop writing, and dress for yourself and your smile
I agree with alternative fashion blogger. Sub par journalism – it is a complete non story.
Another entirely made-up “trend” story. Your reaction is well put.
Great post, I face the exact same thing, but from the other side of the school gate.
What I hate most about the comments left on that article (the article is awful enough, but the comments are even worse!) is the implication that women who dress nicely will cause their children to be badly behaved and promiscuous. This is utterly ridiculous. And women who retain their own identity after having children and make an effort to look after themselves are surely going to give their daughters a better example and more self esteem, as they are showing that they value themselves enough to treat their bodies with respect and make time to pamper themselves. Another thing which I find truly worrying is that a lot of the most vicious comments seem to be from men. Perhaps certain women should spend less time bitching about the “yummy mummys”, and more time uniting against the backward views of men who automatically think that if a woman puts on a nice dress and a bit of lipstick she must be “looking for a new husband”.
great to read your readers’ comments as well as yours, SKM. i love what Natalie said about killing them with kindness. cool cat.
Well said! Seriously people are too judgemental. I’m more likely to be critical of the person who makes no effort with their appearance.
That this should be an issue is so human! At least picking up the children is a short encounter.
But the funniest is the reverse logic in this: dressing pretty is an effort, so if you did not spend a single thought on yourself you are certainly saving mankind and your family in the time you saved this way. Hillarious! This thought really made my day!!! (TV anyone!?)
I mean every day has for everyone 24 houres. Some actions will have visible results and others won’t. That’s just a fact. The other fact is, if you don’t have any results to show they can’t be judged and you always have your good intentions to the rescue…
So keep on rolling, you are an inspiration!
I have to agree with Vicki. Whatever manner of dress you decide to wear that day should depend on how you feel. If you want to wear designer jeans and sunglasses because it makes you feel good, then fly at it! If you’re just not having a day where you want to get dressed “up”, and feel like wearing your scrubbies, then awesome!
Most days I enjoy wearing dresses and skirts and other things that make me feel flirty and pretty, but I still have those days where just getting out of bed is tough enough, so I’m wearing my scrubbies. So long as YOU feel comfortable in what YOU are wearing, then who cares really?
And a big BOOOO to the journalist that felt it was alright to single out your blog from what are probably many other blogs that have said the same thing. And don’t worry about us regular readers.. We know what we were getting when we started to read the blog.
Cheers,
Paige
You know what, most people who are nasty about well-dressed mothers are simply jealous.
Classy one as I said in tweeter
You handle it good.
These imaginary divides are always made real only by insecurity and envy, and it makes me sad that people think this way, but it makes me angry when they express in toilet-paper “journalism” like that. It is the same high-school or sub-culture clubbing type of envy and I’ve never bought into it. It’s the old judging-a-book-by-it’s-cover ignorance, and it feeds the patriarchy. Just look at all the male comments that cluelessly reveled in it! It’s slop for women-haters.
Hear! Hear! Well said. And besides it makes sense to dress as nice as you can because it makes you feel better about yourself, you get noticed and it shows you value yourself enough to be the best person you can be. Never leave that good outfit for best – I always say – because tomorrow may never come! Cheers, Michallee from Moira’s Armoire (www.moirasarmoire.blogspot.com)
I totally agrees with your articles right to a T. What is wrong with dressing up well. I dressed myself not because I’m hopping might look at me. I dressed up nice for myself. I took pride on how I look everyday, I took pride on my life and on my job and daily routines. I used to work 9-5 or sometimes longer. I dressed up nice to go to work, to make myself look presentable, to appreciate my own self. Now that I am a fulltime mom, why cant I be the same. Am I shallow just because I put on my lipstick, wore my nicest dress or even combed my hair better. If I don’t teach my own kids to respect themselves and take pride in whatever things they are doing, then who else going to do it. I’m more comfortable in what I’m wearing and my kids and my family deserve every bits and every effort I make to make myself be happy. Does it mean that being a mother, you should care less about yourself. Does being mother make you loose your sense of pride and individually.
If some peoples are happy with not dressing up or made up, by all mean, do it. It your life and your life alone. But for me, let me enjoy my life the way I like without being put down by a total stranger who doesnt know me well.
Well I read your blog because it makes me happy. I am in no way a fashionista, but I love looking at fashion. I know that when I take a little bit of extra time in the mornings getting ready (to head to the school gate or not) it does give me a little extra spring in my step. Your blog gives me ideas and inspiration to find my own style. It is pretty and colourful and adds a little sunshine to my day. Keep it up SKM!
If you stand out, you will be persecuted. Any attempt at doing something individual is seen as a statement of pretension or superiority by those to whom it is of no interest. It is particularly bad in Australia where it is driven by our immense societal inferiority complex. If someone dresses nice, clearly they must snear at those who don’t. “I don’t find clothes interesting, therefore clothes are not interesting therefore anyone who takes an interest in clothes must be doing it to make me look bad.”
The best thing to do is simply avoid self righteous morons (which rules out the media in its entirety I’m afraid) and ignore all but constructive criticism.
Oh Candice – I couldnt agree more !! You are so right, I so appreciate your level headed look at the way we dress and our motivations. I didnt see the original article, but I get the general idea….love your blog, love your writing, love Jodie M for introducing us!
Oy. So much insecurity-based judgment. Self-care CAN be a priority, no matter what your circumstances, and presenting a clean, stylish, flattered, confident figure just shows that self-care is a personal priority. It’s a catty, asinine waste of energy to declare another woman’s choice to dress well as a reflection of snobbery. How disappointing to see that article cast as it was, a conflict-mongering, divisive piece that serves no purpose besides, as you say, stirring the pot. Bleh.
That article and comments were rather obnoxious, truly. Apparently if you dress well, you are dressing for OTHERS and not YOURSELF. Really?? I dress nicely and it is for me. Sometimes I feel a bit self conscious when I go to places with other moms and know I’ll probably be the best dressed. I’m not trying to make them feel bad, I just enjoy it. For me. And my kids are loved and well fed, too. I do enjoy to cook.
Oh, and one more thing…
My 4 year old told me the other day, in a rather defeated tone, that her daycare friends tell her she wears dresses all the time. As if it’s a bad thing. I design and make her clothes, and she loves to wear dresses while most of her friends are in knit shorts and t-shirts. I always make sure her outfits are cute AND comfortable, but not slobby. I guess I am harming my child, eh?? Truly she is being warped and damaged by me, even though she has many friends and her teachers love my sweet little girl. How could I??
[...] on from Sunday’s post “Aren’t We Smarter Than This?“, I was asked to appear on a Sydney Breakfast radio show Mix 106.5, to discuss the issue- [...]
The replies to the article are typical knee jerk reaction. When writing populist articles like this, the media typically stage a black vs white argument…articles with ill defined greay areas never sell very well.
Many of the replies to the article on the Sunday Mail have predictably chosen the obvious tack, and gone against the “well dressed” and the “snobs”.
IMHO whether you are on the catwalk, shopping, going for a coffee or picking up the kids, if we want to express yourself though fashion aesthetics (creative or not) we have the distinct right to do so. We should go right ahead and tell the rest of the world to fuck off.
Alternative Fashion Blogger: Exactly. It is so very tiring and trying. I cannot understand how bothering to “dress up” can be more offensive to some people than the myriad of anti social behaviours we see on the streets. And yes, there are days that even I with my great big smile, have a very large helping of “F off”, underneath!
This subject is LOADED with meaning for me as you know it carries the extra dollop of victim chic in my world. You are more “worthy” if you look like shite.
As far as I can see it is a cycle. You feel bad, you dress sloppy, people don’t treat you that well and you feel even worse. Pull on a dress and nice shoes. Drag a brush through your slept in hair and make use of a toothbrush, mascara brush and lipstick and Behold, you look nice, people treat you nice, you feel better.
And any bitches who make snide remarks about “oh I don’t know where you find the time to dress up everyday?!” Well it actually takes less time to pull a dress over your head than it does to do trackpant, t-shirt, hoodie.
It doesn’t mean I am sipping on Bloody Marys all day while my children collect aluminium cans to trade for a carton of milk and some broken biscuits.
Lipstick makes you smile! xx
[...] one she has cultivated during her years on the mainland. Super Kawaii Mama has written about the astonishing pressure to be a “yummy mummy” within certain social circles in Australia. My readers told me in no uncertain terms that the [...]
[...] is not a new debate. Melbourne Fashion Blogger, Super Kawaii Mama, delved into this subject last September from the point of view that it only matters if you make it [...]